I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
