I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize