why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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