I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My feet surprised me
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