Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
