hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
