Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
