apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize