Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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