Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
