Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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