you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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