now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
