Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize