We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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