she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
