Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Randomize
