I faked an abortion last night.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize