I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
