There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
