Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
