Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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