my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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