You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
