he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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