What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
