Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize