I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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