When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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