Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
