does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
