Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
