A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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