I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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