I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
