I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
