I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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