I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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