so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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