Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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