Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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