Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
