He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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