I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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