I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
