We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
