you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He did a backflip because drugs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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