Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
