I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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