I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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