So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize