My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
third nipple confirmed
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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