Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
