Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
