dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
