i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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