i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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