i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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