just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
