I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
