I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
