So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
