It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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