I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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