Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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