Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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