dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Green mimosas i think yes
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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