her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
