we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
