Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize