Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
