if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
