Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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