I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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